Fools

"who's that?"

(closes phone) "This idiot I'm dating"

(smiles) "So if he is an idiot, what does that make you?"

"A fool"

"A fool in love?"

"No...a fool that's messing with something she knows should be left alone"

"Yeah, a fool in love"

And so it begins...or has it begun..I dont know

Goodness, what was I thinking with that last color scheme?!? It was gross!

Summer's here, well I guess its been here. Been doing some thinking and have decided to make moves. I've been thinking a lot about grad school, so I'm studying for the GREs and taking 3 classes in the fall at central community college Macro-economics, International Relations, and Anthropology. This is just to prepare me for going back to school in the fall of 2010 and each class has, roughly, something to do with what I want to study when I get my masters. Hopefully then by January, I'll have a better idea of what I want to study but so far I've come up with:

Boston University-MA in Global Development
University of Washington-Masters of Public Administration with a Peace Corps track
University of Colorado-Denver-Masters of Public Admin
NYU-MPA in Public and Nonprofit Management and Policy
Portland State University-Masters in Environmental Management
Milano New School Urban Policy-MA in Urban Policy Analysis and Management

I prob wont get into any of them, but, hey, I can hope!

So I just got done reading Tuesdays with Morrie and one of the things Morrie emphasized was giving back to your community. After I was done with the book, this really stayed with me. I started thinking about all my relatives. They all...well most of them...cross over here to the great U-S-of A, struggle and break their backs to provide for their families and to have nice things but rarely do you see any other connection to that country. I mean aside from the money sent home to help other family members, or the vacations, or the occasional pang of nostalia for the landscape or food, there really isnt any other physical connection (skin color and cultural traditions don't count for the sake of what Im trying to get at) or thoughts of the "old country" and it makes me sad. There is no giving back...so...after I get done with those classes, I am trying to go to Laos and volunteer at the local hospital or maybe the US embassy for a month or two while I stay with my aunt. I'm not sure how I am going to do it but I really want to. I just think it would be a great experience and an awesome opportunity to give back and really connect with the country and the people.

So thats all for now. Come August I have a trip to the east coast to look forward to! 2 days in Boston and 4 days in NYC and maybe a day in CT!

I've always found it fascinating....

how one minute you can be so happy and flying high about one thing and the next minute the same thing can send you crashing into the bull's eye you knew, but maybe was hoping,
just maybe,
this time it wouldnt be there,
maybe there would actually be a net to catch you.

How does something so potentially sweet turn into something so sour.....is it really what it is or was it our fantastic sense of wonder and imagination that turned something simple into something so...disappointing.

***For the record, I'm not talking about love or the loss of love but simply...well you fill in the blank...I dont feel like explaining it right now...but if you know me well enough you'll know

There's gotta be something more....

Woo hoo, 2009! Although, it really doesnt feel any different from 2008 to me. I guess that's a perfect description of my life now. Days blur and are no different from eachother. However, there are some pretty exciting events for the upcoming year and I am determined to have this year be fabulous.

I have decided to commit and train to run a marathon in June. I've been reading up on training for marathons and aside from being overwhelmed with the amount of information out there, I never thought the training was so intricate and multi-dimensional.

Let's see what else. As everyone close to me knows, I've been going through some issues with what and where I want to be. So taking a clue from Native American "Vision Quests" I've decided to pick up and go to Paris for 10 days-to two weeks in April. I have distant family in Paris so I'll be staying with my cousin for the majority of my time in Paris. So here's the plan: I'll fly into London where I'll stay for a day or two. After, I'll take a train to Paris, where I'll stay with my cousin. I don't have any plans while in Paris but just to walk, get lost, and get inspired. I've also decided to spend a few days in Arles, which is in the South of France, and is also where Van Gogh and Gaugin lived for a good part of there lives. Arles, is the real reason why I want to go. I've always had a fixation with Van Gogh but to be in the same city, see (roughly) the same landscape as he did is what will make this trip for me. This is where I plan to do all my "hard" thinking.

Well, okay, honestly, I'm not looking to get struck by lightening and all of a sudden know where I want to be in life. But maybe this trip will awaken something in me, something that I feel and I know is there but just hasn't gotten out yet. I talk to some people and I wonder if they have any real dreams, any other hopes and plans in life that extend further than landing a great job, having a family, and being "secure and stable". Is all there is when you get to this age this depressing and overwhelming feeling of responsibility? Responsibility to your family, your debts, and this constant work to establish this security in life. And if so, if there is just this and nothing else, what's wrong with me? This doesn't motivate me, it's depressing goddamn it!

I guess the real question is what is my passion? I just dont want to be stuck in a box with no where to go. My biggest fear is looking at my life and not seeing any real passion but being OK with that. I know there are bigger and greater things out there for me and I feel it in my gut. At least I can still smile and laugh and sing and dance. At least I've still maintained that. Hahaha, honestly, this blog was just suppose to be an update with everything that's going on and being planned it wasn't suppose to be this. I promise not to be this heavy in the future blogs of 2009.

Well on a lighter note. I've been taking pictures again and have decided to share some here.

This was taken this summer. It was a friday afternoon and one of my best friends, Karina and I drove down to Alki beach. I think this picture just captures that lazy afternoon feeling in summer. Plus, I love the different shades of green with the blue coming through.

Lately I've been really interested in capturing movement. This is one of my favorite pictures. My sister and my niece are dancing out on the porch of my niece's house. I love the smile on her face and, you cant see it, but she is looking up at my sister. Thats one of the things I wish that was different, but the blurred hand and feet give the picture a pretty cool effect.

Only in Seattle. A window display of dildos representing both presidential candidates in Nov. HILARIOUS!!

The placement of everything in this picture is perfect. Plus my sister is about to be stomped on by a big-ass boot!

Touched by an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves it high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
~Maya Angelou

The honesty of this poem breaks my heart everytime I read it.

Growing up?

Hmmm, lets see this weekend was cold, cold, cold! Saturday night, I went to Alki beach, which is one of my favorite places in Seattle. (But not during the summer, too many tourists) The entire day was pretty windy and I wanted to sit on the grass with a bottle of wine, watch the waves, and listen to the breeze all against the Seattle Skyline as a back drop. I invited my older sister to go with me. The evening was really nice. We talked and I drank the whole bottle of Pinot Noir by myself and I tell ya! Ooh wiii was I feeling it!

During our 4 four conversation there was alot of stuff that I came to realize. Its funny how you live your life day by day and never really think about how other people see you. I guess its a Catch-22 really. I mean we are taught or we hope to learn to live life by our rules, no one else'. Who cares what people think? You are your own person and if a person or persons can't deal, well tough. You're not going to change, and you shouldn't. But I think for this mentality to work in the "real" world, you have to be aware of what you are doing to others and how you are coming off to others. There needs to be a balance struck between individualism and empathy. So when does it fail and blows up in your face? When you do something to another person without the conscious knowledge of doing it.

I think that I am a pretty observant person and am pretty sensitive to the needs of others but I think I can, (OK , get ready for it....self-awareness moment) be a little selfish and near-sighted sometimes. I think, from being single for so long, I've been so use to being by myself and doing things for myself that I forget about the other person. I neglect to take accountability for my actions and, how maybe, what the other person is doing is simply a re-action. Hmmm. I was quite proud of myself. I'm really excited to now be aware of this. It's funny. I mean I spent all day yesterday feeling sorry for myself and wondered how many people I pushed away but by the end of the night, I felt a little more confident in the person I've grown to be because I can recognize this fault.

So that was my weekend. Oh I also pass by this small store in downtown Renton called 'Happy Delusions' How fantastic is that? I've got to stop in there someday.

My "Ahh" Moment

I love the fall months of Seattle. The air is just getting chilly and crisp, leaves are starting to change colors, and the overcast isn’t heavy to the point where it’s too hard for light to fight through. My hands-down-favoritest, bestest part… the random moments of heavy rain showers.

Last week, while walking to the bus stop, I got caught in an unexpected down pour. At first I was a little annoyed because I didn’t have an umbrella or my rain jacket but after I realized my annoyance was over something I couldn’t control, I smiled. As I walked and people ran pass me to get under shelter I realized: My life couldn’t get any better than this, here and now.

Sometimes I say the wrong things, or, even better, do the wrong things. Sometimes the want of something you don’t have can begin to consume you, or the frustration of being “stuck” can endlessly taunt you. Or sometimes, God laughs and points at you for being stupid enough to walk out of the house in Seattle, in late September, without an umbrella or rain jacket but…hey, what are you going to do? As much as I want to change what was already done, or run away from choices I’ve made, the cold hard reality is…I can’t. Sometimes you have to just look up to that sky, let the rain hit you smack in the face, and laugh.

My Life, Thus Far

TGIF! This week was a little boring but there were some highlights. First I think I have a head cold, and although I hate being sick, I really don’t mind because it’s just another excuse to cuddle up on the couch with a big comfy blanket, tell people to leave me alone and watch a movie.

I started a bootcamp/diet program on Monday. It’s going really well and I can honestly say I’m kicking ass. (Although, in the beginning of the week I was crazy sore.) I went to the Puyallup fair on Wednesday with one of my best friends, Niekia. I cheated and had two scones, a corn dog, and half of an Earthquake burger. I didn’t feel too good about myself after wards either. It was interesting seeing all of the kids and the families, I felt like I was a child again.

Follow that up with a crazy “The Cell” (Jennifer Lopez and Vincent D’Onfrio)-like dream with monsters, a really graceful looking bad guy, a lion and a lion cubs head. The dream was pretty wicked, but not as disturbing as one would think…hmmm…I wonder what that says about me. Well, I’ve decided to keep a little dream journal. I’ve always found that stuff pretty interesting. Plus, if I ever do start to get serious about screen-writing those would be great inspirations.

Speaking of screenwriting, unfortunately my funds won’t allow me to take film class this October. As the majority of my friends know, I’ve been feeling pretty stagnant with my post-grad life, so instead of just sitting around, I’ve decided to re-fresh myself with Thai, start sketching again, and buy one of those older hand held single shot video cameras and teach myself a few things.

I’m super excited about tomorrow. One of my other best friends, Karina and I are taking a Saturday adventure out to Whidbey Island. I’ve always lived in this area but have never been out there. So we are driving up there through Anacortes, stopping a brewery, going to a winery, visiting two of the beaches they have up there, and catching the ferry back to Seattle. I’ve just been itching to get out of the city for a while and just decided Tuesday to finally do it.

Forever...

“It’s you and me. Moving at the speed of light into eternity. Tonight is the night you’ll join me in ecstasy. Feel the melody and the rhythm of the music around you. I’ll take you there; I’ll take you there so take my hand, don’t be scared I’m right here.”

I love this new Chris Brown song, “Forever”. The individual words are really simple and, let’s face it, there’s nothing special to them alone but together with his voice, the beat and the simply-not-so-special words take me to somewhere else. Somewhere free and all that exist is me. Just my physical self. No ramblings of my second self or other people’s opinion, no guilt, sin, or after thought. All that is real is the music and the dance floor. Everything is simple.

“It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for this one night. It’s gonna be me, you and the dance floor. Because we only got one night…”

Through all the changes in the past year, I almost got swept up in the drama, the choices, “finding myself” that I forgot how good it feels just to dance. The song only lasts for 4 minutes and 36 seconds but for that short time, I’m a kid again, carefree, untouched, and unspoiled. And ok, really,whose childhood really lasts that long anyways. I know only a few.

“It’s a long way down, we’re so high off the ground…Gazing in your eyes got me singing…I’m releasing my heart and it’s feeling amazing…There’s no one else that matters…”

Through all the stress, the day to day bullshit, the heartbreak and heartache, it’s almost worth it. To have these single moments, a song, a look, a touch, to remind us what it means to be young, indestructible, resilient, and fearless again.

Waiting...

It's 2:27 am, on a Monday morning, and I am back in Seattle. I have so many different emotions running through me that for the past three days I have been trying to work through them and find some sense but the conclusion I have come to is...there is no sense. My decision to move back home was prompted by so many things... my family state, an unfulfilling job, and an incompleteness within myself. I left friends and my comfort zone to try and find some sense of place and of...me. But as I sit here, trying to pour out my feelings and thoughts, I am so unsure of anything anymore that a simple hold-on-strong mantra just isn't working (when normally it does).

I can't find a job, I can't find a man, I can't find my mind. I just need re-assurance, I need a drink, I need to hike, I need to run really fast, I need to forget, I need to move on, I need this damn ankle to heal, I need to figure out what I want from me, I need to scream, I need to just wait. I've been through all of this before, I know I have. But add years of experience that has thrown me into so many different directions, it's all new. I lived through them the first time and I know I will this time, so I just need to wait...but waiting is always the hard part.

Reality?

Some of my favorite definitions:
1.the state or quality of being real.
2.resemblance to what is real.
3.something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.
My favorite is the third definition. How does reality exists independently when it depends on us, as people, believeing it as reality. Maybe my mind is too simple to understand.
Reality is something real? Something concrete? Something that I can touch, and see? Whats the difference between reality and something being "real". I think "real" "reality" is a very loose concept that is dependent on our state of minds. It is what we chose to believe. There is no real concept of reality. Does our past and even present for that matter come from reality? If reality is "real" when i can't touch it anymore, when I cant see it, where does it go? Is the present "real"? Well, you cant touch the past, present, or future. People say that you are made from your past and you are your present but if I can't touch these things, they aren't real (by definition) then does that mean that I cease to be real?

I think reality is a compliation of certain people's dreams and fantasies that others chose to live within. I think that we are all living in someone else's dreams. We are living in the dreams and the reality of the people that are the fabulous ones, the ones that never stop dreaming, the ones that refuse to conform to the dreams and fantasies of others. They are the stars and the rest are the supporting actors.
So who are you? Whos reality are you living in or are you the star?

"Reality" The must see movie of the Century. See it, believe it, be it.

A Great Friend

Everyone has a person in their life that is a little wacky, spontaneous and best of all free. Some choose to distance or completely disregard this person, and others label them as idealist that can never really grasp reality, and then you have the smart ones who really embrace these "special" people. I have a "special" friend and although, I have always appreciated her and known how great of a person she was, I dont think it fully hit me until today. I know that I am going to embarrass the hell out of her but my friend, Robin embodies everything a person should be. As I gush and swoon over her and ride the line of being completely obsessive, let me just say that she has taught me the real meaning of living and to just be.

For the past few months, I have been having doubts about my life, where and what I want to make of it. In the past few months I've come decided a few things. And just like anyone else I have wrestled with the consequences, the pros and cons of these items. I have the friends that tell me to think practical or, even worst, the other type of friends that will give to you a false sense of comfort and support (Yes, it is false and as much as a person can denie it, you can ALWAYS tell) but Ms. Robin has always been behind me telling me to dive in, to take the leap.

I interpet her message as being to jump even with eyes closed because that feeling is always worth the fall. So this is my public, all embarassing, thank you to Robin. Thank you for showing me, whether intentional or not, that the only thing to regret is not acting. Worst things can happen but when you have great friends and family by your side, no matter the level of the risk, you always land on your feet and end up being fine. So with that I am going to go to Italy (and Spain), experience the world, follow my dreams, reach out to old friends, go back to my family, design a fabulous outdoor space, learn film production, keep reading, go crazy, stay firm and have fun! (guess, my bills will need to be pushed back a month LOL)

Love is Life

And despite knowing that there is no point, I know that love is the gift that makes it all bearable. Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is god, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source.

-Leo Tolstoy

Complications

"Pride can stand a thousand trials,
the strong will never fall
but watching stars without you
my soul cries.

Heaving heart is full of pain,
Oooh, Oooh, the aching..."
"Kissing You" -Des'ree

I love that song, every time I hear it, I am amazed at how heart moving and breaking love's wants and needs can be. She does a fantastic job conveying all of this, you feel it in your gut when she sings. If you haven't heard this song yet, you should really make it a point to sit still for 4 minutes and 53 seconds and just listen.

So, I have had a pretty shitty week, well pretty shitty for the past month or so actually. I have always thought of myself as a pretty level headed person. I run on emotional fuel sometimes but for the majority of life, I think that I am a compassionate, logical person who is able to listen to reasoning wit empathy. So it blows my mind when I meet someone who is the complete opposite of all these things. In addition to that, she is a control freak. Not just control freak, as in over situations but over other people. Human beings! Maybe that is just me, but how does that work?

Anyways, for the past few weeks, I have felt that i have been on the receiving end of all the negative energy coming from this one individual person. And I don't think I have ever felt so small, insignificant and just plain all-out stupid, as this one person makes me feel. So one thing has been clear through all this: I need to get out. Hit the pavement and just take off running. And that is what I plan on doing... just waiting for the right moment. You want to wait for the optimum time, and set the timer to have enough time to walk away, find a nice grassy area, sit back and just watch it all explode. Chaos and havoc can be beautiful for one who is has a clear mind.

Intrinsic Simplicity

So for my first actual blog I suppose I should introduce myself. I am or should be at the point where I can lay it out on the table and not be ashamed no matter who I think will come across this. But...then again, what-if-my-future-husband-stumbles-into-my-world-and-I-unintentionally-of-course-drive-him-away-before-I-even-meet-him.... EEEK.... Oh well, guess the man of my dreams wasn't much of a man at all. What a life.
So here I go:
I am originally from the GREATEST city in the whole wide world, SEATTLE. I have an amazingly dysfunctional family that i hate and adore all at the same time. I have a dog, that breaks my heart every time I see her, because I know she secretly hates us for not giving her the love we promised when she was a puppy. I have some of the most phenomenal friends, ever. It took a while to sort through them but I did! I can say that the few number of people I have in my life, including the fam, are bizarre, eccentric (does that mean the same thing? Oh well) intelligent and strong people anyone will ever meet in one lifetime.

I need to work on my self confidence, my body image, and my discipline and the best/worst part is I know this, its not the media or anyone one person telling me this, its me.

I am a Scorpio, not sure what sun...always wanted to find that out though. I am a bundle of complexities, and simplicity rolled into one. I would like to say that I am a nice balance between all the extremes out there but I'm not. I am hot or cold, off or on, here or there, and rarely in between. When you are in the middle, you think too much, and in the end you over analyze and waste hours sometimes days, so I try to do things when I feel and to say things when I think of them. (Although, the over analyzing does happen more than I like to admit). This gets me in more trouble than I like to admit, because for some reason people just don't get this. The good Lord gave me emotions, facial expressions, and a mouth to express my feelings and by-god I am going to USE them, even all at once if time permits. It just sucks that the rules of society and...ok...I preach it enough...common courtesy prevents me from really utilizing my abilities. So you can only imagine, I spend a good amount of time apologizing or explaining my actions.

This is actually something I have been trying NOT to do lately. "I don't know why I feel the way I feel but why should I have to explain it. I FEEL it, isn't that enough?" Hahaha it just hit me why I am single.

Oh that is another point about myself I should make. I am a true believer in love. The real love, the kind of love that makes you physical ache when you can't be with the person. The kind of love that has the power to turn everything else black and white but leave that one person in color. I believe that love like that, should be feared and longed for at the same time. I believe that love like that should make you despise and, want with all your being to reject it, make you want to run. But in the end you are so helpless without it, that you succumb. I believe in the kind of love that keeps you wanting to work and try, even when you have given everything you think you have and are almost positive there is nothing else.

Ya I'm one of those, disillusioned, hopeless romantics. and the best part is that even through all the bitching and complaining I do about being alone, I don't mind. Because how do you know how it feels to love and be in love when you don't know how to be alone?

This is probably too long for anyone to read, but its 12:33 AM, I have to work in 6 hours and can't sleep because I got my roommates cold, I'm congested and when I'm sick, have the most sensitve hearing EVER so the outside T.V is blaring but I am in my underwear, and I don't feel like putting on bottoms and definitly don't feel like getting up to "ask nicely". So I am rambling... HA pretty good for a first blog.